No weigh-in this week! Bob and Rob are attending a convention, so instead of staying home alone, I decided to take a break and visit my mother in Montana. I am sure that I broke the 100 pound mark, but I can report on that in my post next Thursday.
Well, I experienced a bit of a set-back last week. The good news? I didn't break program. The bad news? I melted down at the thought of Bob eating a croissant in front of me.
I have been sailing along without any major challenges, and I really thought I was totally "in control". And then, without warning, it happened. About 10:30 a.m. we were on our way back from Spokane and stopped at Starbucks in Ritzville for our morning coffee. I ordered my black coffee and Bob ordered his "doctored" coffee. And, a croissant! I panicked! I knew there was no way on earth that I could sit there and watch him eat that croissant without either eating one - or suffering the pain of not eating one. I didn't know what to do. So, I just told him that I would go to the bathroom while he ate it - and come back to drink my coffee when he was finished.
I left the table and stomped off to the restroom. I sat on the toilet in the bathroom stall, and played solitaire on my cell phone until I had given him what I thought was plenty of time to have eaten the croissant. Then I sent him a text, "Done yet?" And, he sent one back, "I tossed it!"
Now, I felt really stupid. What on earth was that all about?
First, sitting on a toilet in a public bathroom stall, playing solitaire on a cell phone was a little weird. Secondly, I had deprived him from enjoying a croissant with his coffee.
And, I don't know which feeling was worse? The stupidity - or the guilt.
I am really at a loss to explain this reaction. I am pretty sure that if the person at the next table had been eating any of the pastries, it wouldn't have bothered me. So, was my reaction based on wanting the croissant - or feeling that Bob had somehow stopped supporting my effort? Did I feel betrayed? After all, the person who has been my most avid supporter was ignoring my needs at that moment in time.
Or, was it a control issue? I don't have any problem drinking a glass of water when he is drinking a glass of wine, but I know to expect that. Maybe it was the immediate surprise. I just don't know.
Whatever it was, it was very real, and something that I will have to work on. I am also sure that if he had asked me before ordering if it was okay if he had a croissant, I would have probably said yes. It still would have been terribly difficult to sit and watch him eat it, but then I could have dismissed myself and gone to the restroom without making an issue of it. He could have eaten his pastry when I was gone, and never known that I went to the bathroom to avoid watching him.
I have to realize that this entire process is about me changing my habits and attitudes. Not whether or not Bob eats a croissant. It's really all about ME! Others around me will benefit from my changes, but ultimately I am doing this for ME - and I have to be comfortable with my choices regardless of what those around me do or don't do.
I can really use some advice on this one. HELP! Suggestions that will help avoid this situation in the future will be very helpful in my progression.
But, as I said, the good news is that I didn't break down and just have a pastry. And, that was enforced later in the day when I weighed in and had lost another 4 pounds during the week. It (the program) is working, but there is that occasional moment that I just want something to eat!